Midnight again.

Prednisone.  I hate it.  I love it.

I'm up at midnight cooking and cleaning.  That's awesome, but I have jury duty tomorrow.  And I hate that I'm mad that DB is asleep.

I feel like a terrible person on this drug.  I made a counseling appointment.
One of my close friends is pretty excited for me, but I have no clue what I'm going to say.  I may or may not have been drinking when I made the appointment. And I may or may not have told them about "self mutilation" because I knew I would chicken out of the appointment.  Crap.

It's Tuesday.  I have to go.  What do I say?  I've thought about it, but I would never do it again.  I just do all of the alternatives.  I'd rather do nothing?

DB doesn't know yet and I so dearly want to tell him, but I won't.  I want to.  But I don't think he would understand.

Family.

I'm not a part of this family.
Little man doesn't want us kissing. DB kissed me and he told us to stop. Which isn't a big deal, but I want a family. I need a family. I don't want one that isn't mine. I need one of my own.
DB doesn't want kids for a while. I wanted kids years ago. His response was, "I already have a kid." Yea. I don't though.

I don't know what to do about that. About any of it. If I join the PC, I won't be even engaged for 3 years minimum. Then engagement, then marriage, then kids. I'll be 35-ish. Great.


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To Peace Corps or not to Peace Corps?

Mexico was amazing.  There's an understatement.  I had a blast.  Itzel knew me, we cried.  I'm going back.

My boyfriend is wonderful.  He's perfect for me.  We're exact opposites according to the Meyer's Briggs. <3

Peace Corps.  I wonder if God isn't trying to tell me something with DB (Dearest Boyfriend) and my ridiculous time getting a final recommendation.  I've tried two people and both have pretty much failed me so far.  I'm still prodding the second person, but the first (who I really, really wanted) just didn't do it. :(

Last Sunday at church, I started thinking about it.  I haven't prayed over this.  I haven't legitimately considered what God wants me to do.  I'm just thinking if it's not His will, then I just won't get the job?  Maybe that's why I haven't gotten my recommendation?

I don't know what to do.  God, answers are greatly appreciated. <3

I'm not sure what happened...

I've had two dates with two men at once.  One 32, the other 5.  :)  I love it.



I feel like I'm intruding sometimes though.. Like I'm trying to be part of a family that's not mine.

Last night when they were over, little man (LM) went all the way around the coffee table to sit by me.  He climbed up beside me and just cuddled.  But I'm temporary right now.  Just a novelty.

But I'm starting to love them.  Both.

And that could be bad for us all.

Love

As I was being kissed last week (not sure what day), running my fingers through this guys hair, and it popped into my head.  And as much as I want to deny it, I'm afraid it'll stick.  We've been dating for three weeks on Wednesday.  It's too soon.
I met his son tonight.  He's too cute.  Super polite and very sweet.  He caught us kissing and said no, haha.

I really don't know how I feel about this.  It's going fast, but slow at the same time.  I love it and I hate it.  And I don't know what to do..

New things.

So I'm officially "seeing someone."  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  It's a new and different thing.  And unlike my recent dating habits, this is actually a good man.

Something feels different.  I hope it is.

We've been on four dates.  It's always a good sign when a man takes you to the theatre. :)  And watches sappy love movies. And is an incredible kisser... Did I just write that?  Well, he is. :)

I'm happy.  My PC app is nearly done.  School is going great.  I'm going to Mexico in three weeks.  I have a pretty good job (or two).  And I have a great kisser to date! :) I also have a new niece (most precious human being ever!!) and a new niece dog!  This has been an absolutely amazing week.

I never want this to end! <3

Peace Corps

I'm in the middle of writing my essays.  I've printed my transcripts.  And I've ordered my divorce decree.

I'm scared to death.

This application, for one thing, is R-I-D-I-CU-L-O-U-S.  It's scary by itself.  Then comes the part where they ask how I will integrate and what can I bring to the PC.

What can I bring to the Peace Corps that it doesn't already have??  I'm nothing special.  I just want to serve.  And help.  And love those people.

How do I make my application stand out when I know I'm nothing they haven't seen before?

Ugh.

Broken

I was driving home from a Mexico meeting, blasting my little Christian mix on my iPod.

I don't know what happened or what changed.  I just started sobbing.  The combination of thinking of those precious children, listening to how much God loves me, and finally realizing that there's a plan for me.

Whether it's at the City, in the Peace Corps, or here where I am.  There is a plan.

I hate dating.

Black.
White.
Not a breakthrough.  It's simply polar opposites.

Things can simply be black and white.  So why is that so hard to believe?
I've had two men recently stop talking to me because my view is so black and white.  Why is that strange?  I don't want a gray relationship.  I'd rather know what's what before getting into something serious.  Kissing your friend-girls on the lips, that's gray.  Asking me on a date, then saying you don't want to long distance date, that's gray.  I want black and white.  What is so hard about that?

Tell me what you want.  I'm straightforward about my needs and wants, so why can't you be..

Tell me what You want.

Here I am again.

I went to my sister's church on Sunday.  I rarely do that, but I have twice in two weeks and I plan to again on Sunday.  Every time I go, it's a life-changing experience.  I don't know how to describe it other than that.  I would love to attend there, but I feel like it would become the norm and not change me anymore.

We sang a song called, "One Thing Remains."  The chorus says, "Your love never fails, it never gives up, never runs out on me.  Your love never fails, it never gives up, never runs out on me.  Your love never fails, it never gives up, never runs out on me."  Because you need to say it at least three times to understand the power of those words.

Ever since my divorce, I've been fairly dejected when it comes to love and dating.  I've felt like it's pointless and I'll never have what I had again.  Singing those words, I nearly started crying.  God never ran out on me.  I ran out on Him.  He didn't give up, I did.  And His love will never fail.  He's all I need.

It was just such a powerful reminder that God is who I am married to.  Not some imperfect nonexistant man, but a holy, powerful, wonderful, loving God.

His love never fails.  It will never give up.  And it will never run out on me.  <3

Mountain high, valley low.

I have a blog that no one reads.  No one even knows it exists.  The exhibitionist basis of this blog appeals to me knowing that no one I know will ever read it, but someone will.  And maybe it will change things.

I grew up having mountain top experiences.  That's how they described them at camp.  That spiritual high that you get when you have a week-long God encounter.  It's intense.  I've had plenty.  March was another good one.  The City.  Who can resist precious children who have been to Hell and back.  But they just keep smiling and loving.  Their love is so pure and mighty.  It's forgiving and perfect.

I'm trying to decide if I should/can go back in August.  Is there really a decision to be made?  I have vacation time, I can raise the money.

I think I'm more worried about my long term life goals with this non-decision.  I'm trying to join the Peace Corps.  That's huge.  In general and just for me.  My problem is that I know it'll be a nonstop two year mountaintop experience.  Am I ready for that?  Do I need to be?

Is going to the City going to change my life plans or goals?  I'm already so inlove with those children and I've only been once.  Will going again turn my entire world upside down?  I have the feeling that it could. That it will.  I've already thrown around the idea of either interning there for a while or doing my PC service in Mexico (which would be R-O-U-G-H).

Oh! That You would bless me and enlarge my territory!