Midnight again.

Prednisone.  I hate it.  I love it.

I'm up at midnight cooking and cleaning.  That's awesome, but I have jury duty tomorrow.  And I hate that I'm mad that DB is asleep.

I feel like a terrible person on this drug.  I made a counseling appointment.
One of my close friends is pretty excited for me, but I have no clue what I'm going to say.  I may or may not have been drinking when I made the appointment. And I may or may not have told them about "self mutilation" because I knew I would chicken out of the appointment.  Crap.

It's Tuesday.  I have to go.  What do I say?  I've thought about it, but I would never do it again.  I just do all of the alternatives.  I'd rather do nothing?

DB doesn't know yet and I so dearly want to tell him, but I won't.  I want to.  But I don't think he would understand.

Family.

I'm not a part of this family.
Little man doesn't want us kissing. DB kissed me and he told us to stop. Which isn't a big deal, but I want a family. I need a family. I don't want one that isn't mine. I need one of my own.
DB doesn't want kids for a while. I wanted kids years ago. His response was, "I already have a kid." Yea. I don't though.

I don't know what to do about that. About any of it. If I join the PC, I won't be even engaged for 3 years minimum. Then engagement, then marriage, then kids. I'll be 35-ish. Great.


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To Peace Corps or not to Peace Corps?

Mexico was amazing.  There's an understatement.  I had a blast.  Itzel knew me, we cried.  I'm going back.

My boyfriend is wonderful.  He's perfect for me.  We're exact opposites according to the Meyer's Briggs. <3

Peace Corps.  I wonder if God isn't trying to tell me something with DB (Dearest Boyfriend) and my ridiculous time getting a final recommendation.  I've tried two people and both have pretty much failed me so far.  I'm still prodding the second person, but the first (who I really, really wanted) just didn't do it. :(

Last Sunday at church, I started thinking about it.  I haven't prayed over this.  I haven't legitimately considered what God wants me to do.  I'm just thinking if it's not His will, then I just won't get the job?  Maybe that's why I haven't gotten my recommendation?

I don't know what to do.  God, answers are greatly appreciated. <3

I'm not sure what happened...

I've had two dates with two men at once.  One 32, the other 5.  :)  I love it.



I feel like I'm intruding sometimes though.. Like I'm trying to be part of a family that's not mine.

Last night when they were over, little man (LM) went all the way around the coffee table to sit by me.  He climbed up beside me and just cuddled.  But I'm temporary right now.  Just a novelty.

But I'm starting to love them.  Both.

And that could be bad for us all.

Love

As I was being kissed last week (not sure what day), running my fingers through this guys hair, and it popped into my head.  And as much as I want to deny it, I'm afraid it'll stick.  We've been dating for three weeks on Wednesday.  It's too soon.
I met his son tonight.  He's too cute.  Super polite and very sweet.  He caught us kissing and said no, haha.

I really don't know how I feel about this.  It's going fast, but slow at the same time.  I love it and I hate it.  And I don't know what to do..

New things.

So I'm officially "seeing someone."  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  It's a new and different thing.  And unlike my recent dating habits, this is actually a good man.

Something feels different.  I hope it is.

We've been on four dates.  It's always a good sign when a man takes you to the theatre. :)  And watches sappy love movies. And is an incredible kisser... Did I just write that?  Well, he is. :)

I'm happy.  My PC app is nearly done.  School is going great.  I'm going to Mexico in three weeks.  I have a pretty good job (or two).  And I have a great kisser to date! :) I also have a new niece (most precious human being ever!!) and a new niece dog!  This has been an absolutely amazing week.

I never want this to end! <3

Peace Corps

I'm in the middle of writing my essays.  I've printed my transcripts.  And I've ordered my divorce decree.

I'm scared to death.

This application, for one thing, is R-I-D-I-CU-L-O-U-S.  It's scary by itself.  Then comes the part where they ask how I will integrate and what can I bring to the PC.

What can I bring to the Peace Corps that it doesn't already have??  I'm nothing special.  I just want to serve.  And help.  And love those people.

How do I make my application stand out when I know I'm nothing they haven't seen before?

Ugh.